Don’t live by the past, leave it.

(as written last Feb. 2009)
It was a hard semester for me. I was trying to pretend I’m okay. After all, I am. I’ve outlived my fears and I am rising up again. I’ve never regret anything that happened to me. I guess this is what God wants to tell and show me.

We always tend to look back. We always see our past. Even love stories are based on the past. I was, back then. But now, I never wanted to. Life has taught me why and I want to share it. I get it. You’ll never understand until you experience it by yourself.

I’m not fond of fairytales. I’m fond of facts; undeniable achieving facts. Deeply rooted manifestation and achieving goals with an ace have been my priorities in my life. What is this? Still with the topic? It is. You’ll get it along the way. Just put a little patience my friend. We’ll get through that.

I just can’t live leaving my past. That’s the biggest issue I had outlived now. Oh my, a lot of obstacles can tell why. I don’t know how many stories I have been repeatedly saying about my past, why I am achieving because of my past, why I am like this, bla, bla, bla. Until I got tired (I think so). I just can’t take the agony anymore. It’s ruining the whole me.

Maybe God wanted me to learn to move on. During my early teen days, I was like, “Yeah right. Move on. You don’t know what you’re saying.” I was wrong. I really don’t know what I’m saying. I’m filled with ‘what if’, ‘but’, ‘how’. The reason is that I kept on looking back on my past. I was confined in a box. I don’t want to take any new steps with my life. I stayed on my comfort zone. Like this, writing. But I’ve done beyond being deep in writing. Way back then, I just want my articles to be read by myself and sometimes, the whole student buddy in our school. Now what? I’ve learned and loved to share my thoughts to anyone else.

Behind me, there’s a voice telling me, “You should be like your mom; very intelligent, introvert, practical.” Many said that I am really like her (intelligently and mentally speaking). So what is this going to do about leaving your past? My! If you can’t be like your mom or dad, leave your own special mark. Don’t hide in their shadow. How did I do it by myself? I studied here in Manila, took up the same course like my mom (‘cause I really love it and it’s my passion!) but I was the first of our clan to study in the lion’s den (mind you I hurdled all those entrance exams). I think I already aced one with that.

Honestly, it’s very hard for me to share it about leaving my past. I did a total mess with my life. Despite of that, I did manage to stand up. Just look up the skies, the birds, the trees, your parents and the only person that will never forsake you. Who else? GOD. I just don’t know how to live another morning without Him. Exaggerated, huh? I’m just telling the truth.

So why live with your past if there’s a long road ahead? Yes, I was asking the same question when I was just beginning to love my very own self, my family and HIM.

Currently, I’m expecting something for myself and my family: seeing my name in the list of second year Accountancy students who are qualified to go take a leap on the next level. I know I did it. I have a positive outlook that God and I did it. I did my best and God put His will on it.

I had an encounter with my major subject professor. He almost dropped me. I was very afraid. Who would not? When he told me about what I did, I felt that it was like the end of my dream. Ahhh! I want to shout. I hurriedly called my mom crying saying I’m sorry. It was one of the hardest things that I told her. But then again, my mom just keeps uplifting me.

I almost gave up. I don’t want to be the talk-of-the-town-for-not-so-good-reason. I already want to transfer to another school. I’m already filing my application form and then suddenly I talked to God on what’s really happening into my life. Don’t give up! That’s what I’ve heard from Him. This is a battle that you should learn how to win.

My desire to achieve more and show other people ‘I can’ made me a stronger person. Sometimes, I can’t just stop looking back at the past. But now, I’m trying to go on. For it is really true that you can only go on with a peaceful mind if you leave behind your past. It is good to make the past as your stepping stone but it is no good to live with your past.

Let me share this to you. Sometime in February, my life is concentrated again in achieving things. I want to excel in everything I do. This is also the time I had a real encounter with God. Know why? I felt so alone, depressed and for a short interval: insane. My! You would really think that was totally awful and it is! Then I finally realized that I was sent here not only to study and get to know more about things but also to get to know more about Him. I took time to reflect on my past. I just think over and over about my past until I said: “Stop!” I really reach that point. I was telling myself: “Hey, girl! Stand up! Don’t stay on the ground. Pick up those pieces and move on. Life has a lot to offer.”

I’m still in the process of leaving my past. Yes, who could give it up in just one click? I’m achieving not because I want it but because I need it. I have my purpose for it. I can say that achieving for me right now is in harmony. I did break rules and that upset me much. I’ve appreciated the laws and everything about rules right now. I still fight. I fight for the right. I still look back. I look back to things for guide. I still love my past but I never wanted to go back. Why? Because life has always been in a forward motion. Not backwards.